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Writer's pictureStephen Phua

Erikson's Toddler Age (1-3 years) - Autonomy vs Shame & Doubt

Updated: Jun 4, 2021

In my last post, we discussed Erikson's infancy stage. Here, we want to discuss the child reaching a stage of development where he or she wants to do things for themselves. They are learning walking, talking and toilet training. Instead of parents brushing their teeth, washing their face, pick up toys, the parents should encourage the child to do such things on their own. They want to develop a sense of autonomy. Jared Kennedy in his article was erudite in emphasising our identity in the image of God and not seeking autonomy in the context of self-identity.


Of course, a sense of autonomy comes with difficulties. Children at this age begin to exert their will. Toddlers quickly learn to say, “No.” This means parents sometimes have to walk the difficult road between affirming their toddler's new skills and teaching him his limitations. After all, there are many things a young child is not capable of doing, and there are many things he is not allowed to do. We must learn to let our kids express their will (and even their anger) but in a respectful way. This is allows them to grow in independence, but within the care and protection of parents.


If a child is not allowed to begin doing things for herself, she will develop an exaggerated sense of shame and self-doubt. The same can happen if she’s constantly critiqued and put down. But, according to Erikson, the child who is able to master new skills and navigate the dialectic of shame and autonomy will acquire the virtue of a confident will. The exertion of a self identity must be guided by the moral values of our identity in God. Our children are created in His image and his identity must be grounded in God.


The Test of Identity: Will I Try to Make Myself or Root MY Identity in God's Story?

When Satan slithered into the garden, he didn't just call God's trustworthiness into question. He tempted Eve to think life apart from God is better than life lived with him. “You will be like God,” he said (Genesis 3:5). Satan wanted the woman to believe that if she took what God prohibited her eyes would be opened. He promised a new awareness about life--“You will be like God, knowing good and evil." He promised her a self-determining will and autonomy. She'd decide for herself what was good and evil. That second temptation is what I call the "identity test." We're all confronted with it. It begins very early.


Will I try to make myself? Will I construct my identity by my own self-determination? Or will I root my self-understanding in God's story?


Eve took Satan's bait. In evaluating the fruit as “good” (compare the refrain, “God saw that it was good” in Genesis 1), she usurped God’s role in determining what is best. “Desirable” is the same word used in the prohibition against covetousness in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:17). Eve supposed the tree’s fruit would get her wisdom, insight, and success without God's help. That's the height of pride.


But Eve's confidence and self-assertion didn't get her what she wanted. It didn't set her free. When they ate the fruit, our first parents immediately fell into deep shame. Shame is what we feel when we refuse to root our identity in what God says. We feel exposed, because our independence from God always results in emptiness. And it can't be remedied by merely affirming ourselves. That's because real shame isn't just about what we've done. As Christian counselor Mike Wilkerson points out, it's about who we are in relation to God. We must own our our sinful independence and admit that God's point of view is better than our own. The identity he gives us is more true than the identities we try to create for ourselves. Unless we submit to his story, we're hiding behind fig leaves... or maybe just closing our eyes and pretending we can't be seen.


How Do We Help Toddlers Root Their Identity in God?


Now those who are trained in psychology or education probably think I'm confusing my categories. Erikson made a distinction between a sense of autonomy, which is first experienced during the toddler years, and an understanding of identity, which one discovers in the teenage years.


But my choice is intentional. I want to point out that our identity isn't something we achieve by hitting a new developmental marker. It's discovered and received as a gift. We can help both toddlers and teenagers resolve their shame by helping them root their individuality and identity in the story of God. You see, the only way to deal with our shame is to see Jesus was exposed for it and turn from our selfish autonomy to him. So how can we help toddlers have an identity rooted in God when it's so developmentally difficult for them to see the world from another's perspective? Is there a way?


Here are some thoughts:

  • Cultivate joy in learning new skills. There is joy for a toddler in learning a new skill and showing off. Don't squash it. We need to cheer when they go in the potty and dress themselves. Enjoy their skill and uniqueness as God’s creation (Psalm 139:13-18). Laugh with them. But go beyond just praising them. Praise God for them. "I'm so glad God gave you to our family!"

  • Cultivate a sense of wonder. Children are naturally curious. As one pastor says, “Children are created to be dazzled. Our desire as Christians is to bring up a generation of children that are dazzled by God." I would add, "...and by the things he's made." We want our toddlers to be captured by the beauty of God's world. Unplug from your iPhone and pull the plug on PBS Kids and Netflix. Get outside and wonder in the world God made you to enjoy. Play with your kids and receive them as a gift from him.

  • Read them the story. According to child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel, a "narrative" function emerges in children by age 3. Toddlers start making up stories about daily events. Then, as they grow, kids begin to make up stories about themselves. Hearing and telling stories gives kids a sense of rooted identity. We want their identity to be rooted in the story of the gospel (Psalm 78). So pick up the Jesus Storybook Bible and Ella K. Lindvall's Read Aloud Story Bible and start reading stories to your kids today.

And one more thing...

Perseverance and Vulnerability: Brokenness is the pathway to wholeness

We can rejoice when our kids learn new skills. We can enjoy playing and reading with them. But seeing them grow to have an identity rooted in Jesus involves more than putting on a happy face. It's one thing to write about how toddlers are "coming into their own," but it's another to live with it. Parents must give their children consistent boundaries. But how do you stay consistent without giving in to infuriating anger--especially when your two year-old keeps pushing the limits again and again?


The devil offered Jesus comfort in the place of suffering endurance: “All this I will give you if you will bow down and worship me” (Matthew 4:8-11; Luke 4:5-8). To give in to this temptation would have entailed a redefinition of Jesus' identity. Satan wanted Jesus to take up his sovereign authority while sidestepping the cross. But Jesus knew who he was. He accepted the identity given to him by the Father (Luke 3:22). If he'd avoided the cross, he may have been honored as king, but we could not be saved.


We can remember who we are when we're at our wits end with the "terrible twos." We are God's beloved ones. That's our identity. Jesus loves you--the real, broken you. So press in with perseverance.


And when you do give in to anger, be open and confess your sins to your toddler. Our children need to see that it’s possible to be fully known and still fully loved.

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